A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love by Jon Winokur

By Jon Winokur

A compilation of grouchy and hilarious quips and quotations which can make an enticing bedside better half for a person who has suffered the discomfiture of being in or out of affection. Such outspoken iconoclasts as Sigmund Freud and Woody Allen are quoted on themes similar to relationship and marriage.

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Extra info for A Curmudgeon's Garden of Love

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Or should the gnome be punished? Well, it’s a piece of inanimate stone, so…? Is it…is it? I don’t think the police would take a similar view if they discovered this little bearded man had penetrated a child. He’d be locked away forever, disgusting little pedognome! Is this the plot from another one of your films? Oh, so you’re taking the side of a tiny molesting gnome, are you?! I’m taking the side of sanity! They’re crudely made lumps of concrete, not living creatures! It sickens me that there are literally thousands of gnomes out there - armed with fishing rods and other miniaturised pieces of gardening equipment - training their eyes on innocent boys and girls.

What if, in 2012, this guy tells you to get stuffed, and then hurls his half-drunk bottle of cider in your face? How would your gentlemanly act work then? Then I’d get nasty, and slam my cane into his chin. By the way, have you ever heard the expression “Dimple on chin, devil within”? I have. I must admit it makes no sense whatsoever, as it means several different things. Apparently a dimpled chin is lucky…why? Why does a facial dent mean good luck? Also, a dimpled chin means you are no fool…again, why?

Ah well, boys will be boys! Yeah, a fine consolation for a man who’s crippled in a wheelchair, facially disfigured, barely able to breathe thanks to a bleached belly, and has to eat his watered-down Christmas dinner, in-front of his weeping wife, through a straw . That kid’s not a menace, he’s a psychopath! Just goes to show, never trust a child who’s naked but for a pair of dungarees. Don’t trust anyone wearing dungarees; that’s what I say! But anyway, back to the business regarding the laws of the wall.

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